he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think your dad took our porno
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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