when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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