During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize