She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
