Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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