So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
