I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
