his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
