a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
it glows. i had to have it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm at about main and main street
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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