So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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