2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
