i was born a porn star she said
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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