We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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