Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize