Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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