I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
