Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Randomize
