I wish I could teleport
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize