I heard we made out
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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