I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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