i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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