Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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