I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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