thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
