I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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