Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
