she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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