if only i could text you this smell
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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