I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
