nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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