I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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