theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
