Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
