Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
