so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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