Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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