FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
