Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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