I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
