apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize