My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize