my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize