im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
