omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Randomize
