If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
