Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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