i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
