i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
