Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
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