White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
