im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Randomize
