you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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