My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
