K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
