tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
We need to rekindle our bromance
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
