If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Randomize
