so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
