Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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