I'm lost and stupid without you.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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